Truth or Dare

Doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons.

And violently. I do not think that I'll go quietly. I also think that I'm going to take most of what will kill me with me into the grave.

I have nightmares about this stuff sometimes. In them, I am helpless, but fighting. Still, ultimately, helpless. I really hope it doesn't come to that, because I'd hate it.

Armed to the teeth, fighting, I can get on bord with that.

Could you see yourself having a family, possible even raising a kid, within this our secret world?

Not quite sure I understand the question. Are you asking about some different aspect of it than when you asked it back on page 2?

Crapfucktitshit! I actually forgot I asked that one already. Okay, different question:

If you were to have a spouse, would you rather it be a bee stung or someone who does not share your knowledge and power?

I would absolutely want it to be one of us - or at least someone who shares our knowledge if not our unique abilities.

But preferably one of us "bees"... because... well, what if we don't age (as usual), and live forever - or exceedingly long? I would hate to watch my loved one wither and die slowly, as I remained vital and strong. I would also hate to see them be hurt because of me, and unable to defend themselves from all the weird shit following me home.

If it turned out we would age normally... well, yeah, I've already included my reasons above. But, maybe, maybe someone who only had knowledge could potentially work out.

And since you seemed so keen on the question, you asked it twice, Breakbeat... Could you see yourself having a family in this crazy world? And when you're raising kids, would you try to hide the world from them, or tell them everything?

Well first off, if I had kids I would definetly how them what's beneath the layers, if only to show them the dangers that await.

I mean, you don't tell kids that there's this thing called "road" and then let them figure out what a car is as soon as one comes. Too many dangers in this world that could clobber you if you are blissfully unaware.

That said, do I want kids? I think my current answer is "no". Unless there's a maternity leave program in the Dragon I don't know about the chance and risk of me dying and leaving them alone is too high. If I decide to have a kid it has to be on my terms, and I damn sure need the time to care for it and love it.

-

What's the craziest thing you did just yesterday?

Ate a french fry.

.. without using my mouth, or what's left of it - nor any other bodily orifice. I wager that gives off a reading on the crazy-meter.

What is your prime virtue, by which I mean what do you value the most - both in yourself and in others; courage, intelligence, kindness, cunning, leadership, etc.?

If I could choose from any virtues, I would say honesty would be my prime virtue. I don't like to lie, not even if it would benefit the cause. Sometimes my straightforward approach gets me in trouble, but I don't care. Get disappointed by people who talk untrue as well.

If you're asking about THE seven virtues (yeah, not widespread knowledge, the sins have much better PR) I would go with Diligence. Slacking isn't my style, and many a night that I would've liked to stay at home or kick back a few drinks have been thwartet by a phonecall sending me off to wherever. I don't complain - action suits me fine.

Nice question!

Since this goes both ways, what would be your SIN of choice? The sin you're most guilty of comitting, the one sin you can't really stop doing every now and then?

I'm gonna go grab one of the seven deadly sins from the Book of Proverbs. In particular number five: "Feet that are swift to run into mischief"

Those pesky feet. You are having a stroll down the street and suddenly your feet swiftly run into mischief.

And I'm not being disingenuous, although I stand by the decision as being one based on comedy. But that's just how I generally feel about religious dogma.


Would you kill me if the Dragon ordered you to - with no explanation.

I take it you are asking in regards to the biblical seven deadly sins.

While I do think every sin has its place and purpose in the world - similar to weeds, hyper-energetic gnats in the middle of the night, etc. - The sin I most often partake in, would be Sloth, I suppose.
I often take my time even when action might be the best course of action short-term.
But out from this same sin, I think my greatest virtue is spawned; compassion.
I'll actively fight to avoid creating further problems - as I simply get annoyed when something could have been handled much simpler.
It may be odd why I'm with the Dragon, as that would seem as something one of the Zealous Ones would say, but to me, our method is the simplest way of dealing with things.
Simply because there are a multitude of actions involved, they are ultimately - in my opinion - the most effective at dealing with something that does not eventually result in further problems - like driving over gravel is far easier than driving over a boulder.

If I were to go beyond the commonly known seven deadly sins, I'd say my prime sin would be Acedia.
It is the act of being apathetic to your own place in this world - I care little for my own feelings, but find great joy in comforting others, yet get a bit annoyed when being comforted.
Or put in other terms; the act of being too nice for your own good.
Yeah, I can see too why they took that one off the deadly sins list.

Woups, I see I was beaten to it, so I'll answer Taouz's question as well:
No.
The Dragon is already aware of this fact, I am sure.
If I were ordered to kill anyone within the Recursive Derivation - or anyone else I cared about for that matter - I'd sooner defect than comply. First I would of course seek the explanation, and if I found it, resolve it without sorting to amicicide. If I were unable to find it, I'd find ways of combating the Dragon.
As I said before, The Dragon most likely knows my patterns, and if they asked me to commit amicicide, I would know it was because they wanted something else from me; to seek out the explanation, to investigate the ones formulating the equations for the Dragon, or to simply not trust anything they say for the moment being.

Where is your favourite place in this world?

This just for Taouz, before I answer your question, Santiak:

There's this Jewish joke.

A man seeks suitors for his daughters, and he wants them to be smart and pious.

So he asks the three he likes the most: "If you were to find a gold coin on the Shabbat, what would you do?" - (On the Shabbat, which is very holy, you are forbidden to work, even if it would be picking up a gold coin.)

The first one replies: "Well, it is a gold coin, but it is Shabbat, so I would let it lie there.", to which the man replies: "You are very pious and devout, but not very smart."

The second one replies: "Well, it is Shabbat, but it IS a gold coin, so I would pick it up.", to which the man replies: "You are very smart, but not very pious."

Then the third man gets his answer, and he just shrugs his shoulders and says: "You know what? Let it be Shabbat and find me a gold coin, and then we'll see."

-

I love this joke, mostly because it teaches you not to worry too much about milk that hasn't even been spilled yet. So, in concordance to your question, T:

"Let me get a phone call from the Dragon, telling me to kill you, without explanation. Then we'll see."

-

Now for your question, Santiak:

Can't decide between two, so you get both.

One, and this will sound VERY strange, is the bathroom of an underground club in Prague that we used to crash at. Not a working bathroom, mind you. It was closed off and never repaired, but we found a way in anyway, but not for washing or pissin or whatnot, we used it as a get-together. I had my first kiss there, under a broken neon light. We sang songs there, until deep in the morning, stoned on good weed. For me, it was a good place to be, even if some things happened there that weren't that great. But in the end, the good memories prevail.

The second place is in Greece. I was touring Europe, and stayed in Greece for a long while, mostly because it was warm and sunny which seemed to help the foul mood I was in. I love the ocean, but most of the beaches were swarming with tourists, so I just hiked down the beach for a long, long while, and suddenly the tourists trickled off. After walking a little further I came to a place where there was a small river running into the ocean. You could bathe in seawater and saltwater, even stand with one foot in one and with the other in the other. I stayed there for three days, until I needed supplies. It was simply magickal.
I never found this place again.

-

Name one of your favorite memories, that you can cling on to, come back to, when you're feeling down - but one that happened before the time of the bee.

I think it was back when I studied in Kyoto.
Nothing big or theatrical, but I was walking past a pedestrians crossing just outside the university I went to there, (Ryukoku - if you're wondering), which is also frequented by grade schoolers.
As I was walking by, a young girl from grade school almost fell off her bike, but I managed to catch her before she hurt herself.

I should probably add that during my stay there, I weren't the most friendly looking of types. I had almost waist long hair and a good 10 centimeter long goatee.

After getting her steady on her feet I calmly sat down next to her, smiled at her, gently put my hand on her back, and asked in japanese, which had become quite heavily Kansai-accented during my stay;
大丈夫なの？ - Are you alright?

She initially put on a brave face and looked down at the pavement, only her eyes betraying her attempts to hide her instinctive reaction to the whole thing. She had been quite startled, small droplets of water coalescing at the borders of her eyes.
She looked up at me and genuinely smiled to me - cheery-eyed, while, almost stereotypically, wiping away the gathering tears. She gave a silent nod before she got back on the seat of her bike and crossed the street, perpendicular to the way I was heading.

I really cherish that memory because it showed me that I was somewhere near to being the kind of person I wanted to be. Someone who, despite social stigma, managed to cheer up a scared child and brighten her day - in whatever minute manner it may have been.

Whenever I feel scared, inadequate, uncomfortable, or depressed, I try to recall that memory, simply because no matter how scared I am, how useless I feel, how uncomfortable things are, or how miserable I feel, I know that I managed to be the person I wanted, even if no one else noticed, or remembers, or cares - I was an iteration of myself that I would consider perfect, the type of person I would want nothing changed about.
And regardless of what may come, I was that person - if nothing else, then in my own eyes. No amount of fear nor hopelessness nor anguish nor sadness can take that single moment in time away from me.

Thank you for the question - cheered me up thinking about that now.

Did you choose your abilities, and if so, why? If not, then why do you think you received those abilities in particular?

"Are you sure?" were the word of the sensai in the training room, when I presented him my choices. Pistols, because I already knew how to shoot, and a chaos magic talisman, because the damn thing had called me through the room.

"Yeah", was my exact answer, and then he said, to my suprise, "SHOW ME".

So I shot a target dummy a couple of times and he grunted and nodded. Then we went to the next target dummy ...

It was a disaster. The damn thing in my hand refused to do as I wanted it to, instead did as it wanted. To this day I am glad the sensei had sent the other students away as he looked at the torched remains of three dummies. Not the one I was aiming at, by the way.

"You are not ready yet.", he said and whilst I had to admit he was right, I was pissed. The damn thing had wanted me, I wanted it. Now what.

"Best you train longer for this." He said. "But for now ..." He took me to the other room, where the close up stuff was. "A katana is not that bad" I thought. And sensei gave me a fucking hammer.

"You will use this" he said, while I protested, pointing at the katana, at the fist weapons, but he shook his head and held the chaos talisman up. "You need to use what you do not want, so you will train harder for this."

So that's how I ended up with pistols and my hammer. Fun fact was hat once I got used to the weight and the feel I started to enjoy it. It actually was FUN to hit things over the head. Breakbeat smash!

Still returned and mastered that chaos thing. Just needed more time.

Now I mix and match. Even got training with other stuff.

But I never leave home without my hammer.

What was your first reaction as the curtain was unveiled? What went through your mind?

"I'm having a nervous breakdown," I thought, when I woke up the morning after, and I started doing things again. Initially, I thought I had been dreaming, since it was the middle of the night... but when the balls of energy and flame persisted into the morning... as I got dressed for work and made my tea... "I'm having a nervous, fucking breakdown, and I've only just turned 28. I've only been working for six years, and my mind is already cracking. Wonderful. It'll only be a matter of weeks before I commit suicide, then...," I continued down my bitterly sardonic path as I ate my morning omu-rice, after a lightning bolt had shot up from my chopsticks and shorted the CFL light above my head.

I had thought I had been taking care of myself, going out to drink socially with colleagues after work to relieve any stress my job might have caused me during the day. Other quiet activities in the evening to relax... Reading and walking through the neighbourhood park on my days off.

Funnily enough... about two weeks later, I was on one of my first of many suicide-missions on Solomon Island.

And if you really want my first thought that morning after, it was technically "私はFUCKING神経衰弱を抱えている." After all, I think in Japanese 60% of the time, it being my native language. When I'm tired or extremely drunk, especially.

If you could choose another ability for yourself - any ability you've ever seen referenced on TV, manga/comics, literature, etc. - what would you choose and why? Would you choose it over the one you possess?

Good question.

I don't think I'd choose any other ability then the art of blood, but for the sake of argument, let's assume the art of blood didn't exist.
I think it would have to be either telepathy, or the power to create pocket dimensions.

If I were to pick my "favourite" of the two, I'd say telepathy. It has a myriad of uses both offensively and defensively, not to say passively, are only bound by ones imagination, and it would be a great tool to observe, uncover, and incorporate adjustments to the equations I run and come across.

If, however, I were to pick one that wasn't so stereotypical, it would be the ability to create pocket dimensions.
By that, I mean the ability to create unique dimensions, as well as being able to freely move objects, others, and myself between them.
Again, it's a very versatile ability that allows one to handle the same equation by inputting a plethora of different variables - which in and of itself is quite an interesting prospect to me.

I apologize if it's a bit boring, but it was a very good question, so I'll repeat Enigma's question from above.

Oh don't worry, it was a good question.

I could totally cheat now and say "Magic", especially if you reference it against some movies OR novels. True magic can accomplish pretty much anything anyway. Not talking about the Hogwarts crap (you'd NEVER see me swinging a wand and shouting faux latin incantations).

But again, this seems like cheating big way, so I'm going to choose something more ... tangible.

Asides from that, it's rather hard to pick, as there are soooo many things, but I think the one thing I would love the most is ... *drumroll*

Shapechanging!

To be able to transform yourself to BE someone or something else.

Be a bird, soar through the sky, feel what it's like to be truly free.
Be a fish, swim through the water, no boarders, no worries.
Be a leopard and run like the wind.
Be a wolf and howl at the moon with the rest of the pack.
Be a lion, taste the soft flesh of a fresh kill.
Hell, be a fly, in through a keyhole and see the world from their eyes.
Be SOMEONE else.
Maybe even be a man, seduce and fuck a beautiful woman. See what all this penis fuzz is about!

I do think I would thoroughly enjoy all that! So yeah, shapechanging would be the one thing I would be able to do.

Was there any book (or if you can't think of any, maybe a movie) that helped you become who you are? That had such a lasting impression that you couldn't help but admire the person in it, so you wanted to strive to be like he or she?

Indeed there are.
Ged, from the Earthsea series, by Ursula k. Le Guinn.

The main themes and message of the books shifts, from the notion of developing your own place in the world, to maintaining a balance, to the consequence of sacrifice.
Ged is, with the exception of his youth, depicted as a man who - despite his vast power - places the greatest appreciation on treasuring what you have, instead of seeking what you can not have. Eventually, he litterally has the power to change the world in any way he sees fit, but he doesn't, he simply tries to lead a peaceful life.
The fictional part of the books is the topic of magic in them. An innate skill within everyone - like the ability to read or any other ordinary skill, that can be developed. It operates on the principle of balance, any change you force by way of magic, generates a consequence.
Calming the winds while at sea might cause it to rain somewhere else.
Setting up a barrier might mean a greater weakness somewhere else.
Everything is connected, and magic does not absolve you from that connection, merely gives you more power over your actions - also increasing the risk of greater consequence.

Ged, doesn't even sow the fields by magic. But not because he knows the nature of magic, but because he enjoys the insight and calm that such menial tasks offer.
He is kind, and would sooner comfort and educate than scold - often too kind for his own good.
He is wise, simply because he takes the time to observe the world around him.

To me, that was the kind of person I wanted to be, and to some extent, identified with.
An unbreakable moral, a bottomless kindness, and wisdom beyond ages.
Immense power, but unwilling to "abuse" it - simply because the situation does not require such measures. Should his hands be forced, however, he is of course ready to use that power.

If you've heard of the anime, may I suggest you read the books instead. The anime only shows a brief glimpse of Ged (I think he's referred throughout the anime by his "normal" name, Sparrow - the middle-aged man with a scar over his eye)

Actually, ((Also OOC)), the Earthsea books are the only books I have that are autographed, besides one by danish author "Bent Haller", who I also enjoy - who gave me his autograph when I went to get a book autographed for my niece - since he happened to be my neighbour at the time.

What are your thoughts about dreams? (The kind you see while you sleep)

Dreams ... I used to not remember my dreams much, but lately, I remember more and more. Once in a while I even manage to go lucid, although that doesn't happen all too often.

I think they're confusing, cause I sure as hell can't figure out what my damn subconscious is trying to tell me, most of the time.

Maybe the bee enhanced my ability to dream? Or is it just that I've seen so much weird shit lately, that my brain is trying to process all the information.

Back in the day, I'd just say that dreams were a necessity. Now, I think that maybe there is a mystic element attached to them. After all, there's much weirder stuff in our world. It would make sense, that the dreams ... I now think they can connect us, kinda like Agartha. Portals leading to other persons, other places, other times. Dreams show us stuff. Teach us the stuff that we weren't able to comprehend with our other senses. When I get lucid, it's almost like I could reach out and touch that collective consciousness ... but somehow fail an inch short.

Maybe it's just my brain.

Maybe it's some bad sushi I ate.

But I start to think there is more than meets the eye.

Of course, being with the Dragon, I don't have much time to sleep, so "studying" that is kinda out ...

What is your first childhood memory?

A scared Custodian.

My Mother fled my Father when I was very young, before I could walk. I only know very little about him, but from what I understood, he was a very devout Templar who had fallen in love with my Mother - who was a Scale.

She'd use to come to my room in the middle of the night and tell me about him - and my brother - when she'd get drunk during the night.

From what I gather, at some point something caused him to become infuriated at her. What and why, exactly, she would always avoid telling me.
The late-night story-telling would often end with a general warning to stay away from the Zealous Ones and seek the Dragon.

She passed away a few weeks before I became a Scale, up untill which point our world had remained largely stories - not fairy-tales. On my first trip through Agartha, I think I met the Custodian in Agartha once more - I think it tried to smile when it recognized what used to be a screaming bundle of blanket.

How would you like to be remembered after you die?

I would like to be remembered as someone who did the right thing.

Of course I'd like to be the one to save a thousand people with her death, but in our line of work, it wouldn't be known anyway. But I would like to leave some lasting expression. Die in a manner that makes it all worthwhile.

I would like to be remembered in a way that when people talk on a table, and my name comes up, there is a few seconds of silence, before some hold up his beer in salute and says "To Breakbeat!". The others would join in, clink their beers together, laugh, and live on.

Yeah, that would suit me just fine.

How do your keep yourself from fucking up?

I don't.

If what pre-occupies your mind while driving is the fear and attempt at avoiding accidents, you will, at one point, make a wrong turn, end up where you didn't want to, get there late, become lost, or simply refuse to drive anymore.

My greatest accomplishment has been catalyzed by my greatest mistake:
During my stay in Kyoto, I took heavily to drink.
No particular reason, I thought I was a viking that could drink as much as I pleased - the same way a child believes it could eat all the candy in the world, and not suffer any consequences.
Slowly, the drink overtook me. My desire became an obsession. My hobby a disease.
And yet, as I watched my world begin to burn, as did I feel my heart come ablaze with a much more benevolent flame.
I fell in love, and - had it not been for alcohol - I'm sure I would have made a greater mistake while courting her.

So, while alcoholism is not something you produce, but often a birthmark you will inevitably notice, I cannot escape the fact that I hastened to it.
For almost 4 years, I consumed great amounts of alcohol each day.
for nearly 2 of those, no less than 2 bottles of vodka per day.
I nearly dropped out of my studies, and still may because of the delay it caused, I planted pain and mistrust within those I knew.
I scared away friends and became a recluse, old friends not talking to me to this day.
Yet, she stayed by my side all that time, and she is still there - and now that I've become an "inactive" alcoholic, I try to be the person I want to be, for her.

I found a bond stronger than any I had known, by finding a disease stronger than any I had suffered.

My greatest accomplishment instigated by my greatest mistake.

What - if any - is your greatest wish?

To just ... be happy.

Sounds snazzy, I know. But over the course of my life so many things happened that I really would like to be content ... simply happy.

Only I won't let myself fully, currently, because I don't really let myself fully just enjoy it. Guess I am more insecure then my demeanor might suggest. I can handle a lot of situations, am not shy when it comes to making my voice heard, but I can't seem to silence my own inner voice that constantly keeps telling me that I will inevitably screw up my own chances for happiness yet again.

So that's my greatest wish in a nutshell. To silence the voices, kick back and BE happy. Then STAY happy.

Yeah, I should be altruistic enough to wish for world peace, and end to the waging wars, and end to the secrets and whatnot, but I'd be lying my sorry ass off.

I just wanna be happy.

And now - drumroll please - I would like to return the question. 'cause it's a damn good one.

I think wishing to be happy is a very altruistic wish - if one is happy, one can better help those around them, one can work to help make the world a better place for those around them.
Wishing for world peace and so on, however, seems egotistical to me.

Peace for the sake of peace is a full frontal lobotomy if it is not earned or gained, as opposed to simply fulfilled by a wish.
It rings more of "I hate the responsibility of helping to make the world a better place, so can't you all just behave nicely so I don't have to worry about it anymore?".
So being happy, is, in my opinion, the most honest and altruistic wish one could have.

As for my own greatest wish.
I don't think I have one. I don't like the notion of gaining something without deserving it, it removes from the worth of the goal.
In my mind, the "I wish" is always followed by "because I deserved it" - in the manner of speaking that my wish is that if it should come true, it would be because I helped make it so, and not simply asked for it to be so.
I wish to be happy - because I've tried to make everyone around my happy.
I wish to be at peace - because I've comforted those around me.
I wish to end wars - because I've helped prevent and fought many.
I wish to end hunger - because I developed a new, hardier and bountiful strain of fruit tree.

It is, perhaps, due to the balance I try to find that I feel this way.
I find worth in love because I've felt the sting of hate.
I find worth in life because I've lost dear friends.
I find worth in hobbies because I've worked my fingers to the bone.
What is a coin if it only has one face? Some would argue it becomes a medal, but a medal still needs a juxta-posed result to avoid in order to gain.
No, a coin with but only one face, can not exist - not in our world, not in any world except for the theoretical, except for in wishes, for it is one dimensional - and even pen-stripes have two, however minute.

Should a wish come true, and the theoretical one-sided coin, the medal, be granted, what worth can it hold, if you didn't earn it.

Do you have a proverb or poem that you either live by, identify with, or simply like? If so, why?

God, to truly answer that question, I'd have to check a computer, my files, my songs, ...

But there is one thing that pops into my head. Not a poem, per so, though. It's from John Henry Mackay:

Ever reviled, accursed, ne'er understood,
Thou art the grisly terror of our age.
"Wreck of all order," cry the multitude,
"Art thou, and war and murder's endless rage."
O, let them cry. To them that ne'er have striven
The truth that lies behind a word to find,
To them the word's right meaning was not given.
They shall continue blind among the blind.
But thou, O word, so clear, so strong, so pure,
Thou sayest all which I for goal have taken.
I give thee to the future! Thine secure
When each at least unto himself shall waken.
Comes it in sunshine? In the tempest's thrill?
I cannot tell--but it the earth shall see!
I am an Anarchist! Wherefore I will
Not rule, and also ruled I will not be!

It's a credo to what Anarchy truly means, because it's misconceived by so many people.

Also like a saying of V (as in V for Vendetta) who stated: "Anarchy means without leaders, not without order", because many people just think Anarchists run around wrecking stuff. It isn't always about wrecking, it's about protesting, challenging the status quo because it doesn't really work.

What song speaks to you and why?

Oh my.
There's a song that speaks to me for whatever mood I am in, but from the question I take it you're looking for the single song that speaks the most to me.

I think in that case, I'd have to say "Something is Sacred" by Eels.
It speaks to me about the perils of life, the traps that can befall you and consume you. That regardless of how good I may have it, things may get worse, but at the same time, things will get better.
It speaks to me about being true to your feelings, regardless of the consequences of them - the consequence of not being true to them will be far worse. That every emotion is an essential part of life, and that I have to let them out or risk being consumed by not only it, but my disease as well.
It reminds me that the world can't be changed, but that you can help the individual.
Finally, it speaks to me about my passion, specifically for the one I love.
That when the world ends, either for all, or just for me, or for her, my greatest hope is that I can be there to comfort her. If I can do that, my death - or life - will have meaning, one way or the other, and I can take my last breath being content - or she can take hers feeling safe.

And I of course like the sound of the song as well.

What film, series or even cartoon speaks to you, and why?

Seems to me like more question than one ... Because I can think of so many things. Film, series, cartoon. You're totally making me pick out of a very big pot!

One of the most impressive series I have seen is Carnivalé. An epic struggle between the forces of good and evil, told at a slow pace. I related to this even before the time of the bee and when my powers awakened, thinking back to this series made me always remember that there's a price attached to them.

Nothing comes for free. Never. Everything is take and give. It's the way this world works. In a way, reminding myself of this helps me not to get too cocky with my powers or use it when I wouldn't have to.

The series also has a very good cast of actors, most noticeable the bad guy, because *drumroll* he was also Kurgan in Highlander, back in the day. He has such a charasmatic voice it makes me shiver and my pussy tingle.

There's one episode especially that makes you cringe and tingle with tension. Won't tell too much, because I don't want to spoil if someone hasn't seen it yet.

It's too bad that there were only two season ...

Well, here you go. My favorite season. Oh yeah, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 'cause come on, it's a great series. And I'm totally Buffy.

Tell a secret that as few as possible (maybe no one) knows about you yet

Santiak, I'd also take that song you were talking about earlier.