Truth or Dare

In regards to the song, if you meant you'd like to know the other song I mentioned, what I meant was there is a plethora of songs that speak to me to the same degree, but wholly dependant on how I feel - as it goes with music.
There isn't any specific genre I tend to enjoy more than any other, really.
If I were to pick some names off the top of my head:
Eels
Funky Monkey Babys
Radwimps
Galneryus
Blind Guardian
Emilie Autumn
Hammerfall
Kashmir
Sword of the Far East
Shinedown
KoRn (Oldest and newest)
Mortiis
Dizzy Mizz Lizzy (Oh, hello nostalgia!)
Turisas
Celldweller

And the list goes on, but those are the artists that pop up in my head.
But my mood doesn't dictate what genre I tend to listen to either, so it's a bit all over the place, which annoys me somewhat since I find that it makes it harder to find music I can enjoy to no end, Eels being one of the very few examples of music I can listen to endlessly.
I'm in no way a musical person, but I am very philosophical, always dwelled and admired the power of words, so lyrics always play a big part for me.

Which might lead me to the answer of your actual question, while it may not be a secret as in I'd rather no-one knew about it, and if it's not satisfactory, I'll see if I can't dig out a deeper secret for you, but:

I play abuse the violin.

What would need to happen for you to alter your personality fundamentally and profoundly, either actively or subconsciously, if at all possible?

Funny you ask, because I'm trying.

Without going into too much detail, because there are secrets that are not mine to tell, this striving can only happen through a select few things:

a) Being unhappy with one self in a way that makes it impossible to go on with the current state of mind / self. This happened to me once, and it was not a pleasant experience, as it means you have to reach such a low point that either you just up and do something, or you give up and dwell in darkness forever.

b) Striving to be a better person yourself because of someone you really care about. There is a certain hapiness that can only be found in being there for someone, where it is not about YOUR needs but THEIR needs you worry about, which in turn makes you change things about yourself.

Make sense?

The problem is that you have to be content enough to be happy about the changes you make, else you will fall back into your own methods which is all kinds of bad, because then you will not only disappoint yourself but the other person(s) as well ...

c) Mind control. Yeah. Happens.

Do you believe in any God(s)? What made you?

*puts on a fireproof suit*
No, I do not.
I was raised as a protestant, but it never caught on.
The notion that someone was deeply involved and interested in my life - as comforting as the idea may have been - was and always will be foreign to me.
I find it odd to personify an idea by giving it a name rather than a description. Furthermore, I think doing so only creates problems. After all, a word or meaning is very subjective, trying to give it a specific name and purpose will only create confusion and animosity between those that may believe in the same idea, but with minute differences in meaning.

To me, religion has always been as with colour.
I may prefer green, but the idea that I had to live in a world where green would be the only colour would make it a very depressing world to me.
Likewise, the idea that someone could be more interested in what my favourite colour was than to the extent of simply going "Oh, cool. Mine's blue. What's for dinner?", is also very foreign to me.
The final nail in the coffin for me, is if people would demand that my favourite colour be blue as well, or they'd feel intimidated because they weren't wearing the most fashionably coloured clothes in my mind.

So, do I have a favourite colour?
Yes, green.

Do I have an idea that I hold dear?
Yes, wisdom and compassion.

Do I have a name that embodies that?
No. My interpretation of my most valued characteristics of being me is, as the sentence implies, very subjetive, and even if someone should say they held the same characteristics in high esteem, I wouldn't suspect that their version of compassion would be the same as mine - abortion, euthenasia, and so on, are all good examples of where descriptions of "compassion" may very well diverge.

I can't believe in a god any more than I could believe in a colour.
I can, however, like the way a colour makes me feel, so I can like the idea the "god" might represent - but again, believing is a far cry from likeing.

So, I might have a favourite god. But not a god that I believe in.

Nurgle, if you're wondering.

What notion or idea do you find the hardest to define - but still understand? "Courage", for example. Or "friendship", etc.

I pick Patriotism.

Now I am in a country that has seen it's share of rough times and probably I could feel different if I were raised in a country that had not been in iron grasps for much too long. The Czech people have had their taste of freedom for just about 25 years now, and still look to the outside world and see other countries that simply shine brighter, burn faster.

But I still find the attitude of some people alienating. There is no perfect country, never was and probably never will be. Every country has it's fair share of problems they are trying to solve. Whoever is in charge at the moment is then trying to do SOMETHING that makes him or her looks good. Because there's always another election coming up. They then try to please the majority of people, leaning into direction the media tells them is opportune, instead of going to the root of any problem to really wipe it out.

To always stand up proudly, no matter what, claiming in blind obedience that everything is good - I can't understand it.

There are always problems, there are always some unfortunate souls who simply try to stay alive. People that have to live in the streets, fighting for small bits of food. People dying because they couldn't get proper health care. Old men and women vegetating in homes, if they're lucky, because they have no one to tend to them.

Patriots to me seem to take a blind spot to all these problems, waving their countries flag, saying "this country is great", while their children are off fighting and waging wars in other countries. Dying.

They should say "I can live well in this country", because that's what it is.

I have yet to see a country that doesn't face problems, where all people are treated equal and no one is hurt. If there were, I could understand patriotism a bit better. And I'd probably move there.

Are there any people you really hate? If so, why? If not, what would it take for you to really hate someone?

Rapists.

Let me start by saying I have a very hard time feeling any kind of animosity, for some reason.
Murderers I can, on an absurd level, understand. On a fundamental level I can understand why and how anger can lead to that kind of searing animosity.
It destroys lives just as much, but on some level, there's always the possibility that the person who committed the murder did so based on intense emotion, accident, or other reasons.
Even pre-meditated murder is based on strong emotion, and therefor lends itself to some degree of understanding from me - but please do not mistake that with acceptance for when it happens.
Murderers, I dislike.

Having said that, you can imagine the degree of sheer searing hate I habour for rapists, when I say I truly hate the people who can commit such an act.
I've spent many nights fantasizing about what I'd do to a rapists, let alone someone who committed such a crime against a person I know.

The "justification" for such a soul-ripping, psyche destroying, family decimating act completely and utterly escapes my comprehension.
The all-consuming singularity that must be such a persons lack of compassion beckons me to fill it with the singular force that I can call my unspent hate, and should I ever get the oppertunity, I'd proudly show such a person my ability to tortur a person on every imaginable level of their existence - and I'll gladly see myself become a villain in order to do so.

Short of that, it's rather hard to make me go from "disliking" someone, to "hating" them.
Looking at it objectively, it's clear it's some sort of anger issue - any healthy capacity for anger would manifest itself far sooner. But it doesn't bother me normally - only when it inadvertently causes me to harm someone I care about because I did not make it clear enough they had my support.

I'll echo the question, since it is an interesting one.

Also, on a side-note, I'll refrain from answering the next question to be posted, so other variables might be tempted to participate in what is turning into a very interesting and fun discussion.

Clarification edit: I meant I utterly hate people who can commit such a crime, in the sense that I get light-headed from the fury I feel as blood rushes to my fists when I think about them, and to what degree I'd hurt them. The kind of hate that is almost frightening in the way that it takes away my knowledge of how I might react should I ever come across such a person.

Because nobody's taken it, I guess many people don't want to answer the question. Also we've got to give someone else besides Big B, who wants to take a small break a sporting chance.

So, do I hate someone? Currently, not really.

I hated my father, hated him with an unfettered, raging passion that no one else so far has managed. Basically, he killed my mother, although she took the final way out. And I know what he would've done to me if I hadn't ran away. Him, I really hated.

Asides from that, I don't really hate people much.

Rapists, as Santiak said, I don't hate them per se. I'll just rip off their balls and their penis and shove them in their mouth. But I wouldn't call it hate, you know?

Because hate is that feeling in oneself, like a monster, twisting and groaning, wanting to be let out, that you have to keep at bay because when the monster finally breaks free there's going to be hell to pay.

There's some people who came close to hate. But I can't recall a single one, where I wasn't able to finally take a deep breath, utter "fuck this" and move on. Except my father. Who's dead now. So that works out.

What would you do if you suddenly inherited five million dollars?

I really don't know. I've never given more than a regular yearly salary any kind of thought.

Probably find a way to feed the world. Buy into those delivered meal programs, and make sure they get delivered to homeless and third world countries. Put clean water everywhere.

That sort of thing. I don't know if five million dollars (USD? EURO? What currency are we talking here?) would be enough to see to it that the whole world is fed for a year, or two or five... or what. But I would try to do something like that with it.

If it ran out too fast, I would do what I could. But hopefully, I could have people shown and taught how to fend for themselves as well - farming and hunting. Maybe get some help in that department from the Wabanaki.

And then if there was left over money, I would want to get a gift for everyone here... Something personal. I don't know what. I'd think more on it. Nothing expensive or flashy... just, personal.

Yeah, I think that's what I would do.

If you were to liken yourself to one of any of the mythological gods you've heard about, from any culture, which one would you say you were most like, and why?

I think, reluctantly, it would have to be Baldur from the Norse pantheon - in case the list is "restricted" to cultural gods and excludes gods from fiction.

The reason I say reluctantly, is because I find that most "real world" gods are often all too one-dimensional, so I find it exceedingly hard to identify with them or their domains.

Baldur represents compassion and trust - among other things - but those are the two aspects I identify with the most, and hold in the highest asteem.
For those that aren't too familiar with Baldur, he was the god who was killed by his blind brother, thanks to some trickery from Loki's side.

He and his mother, Frigg, both dreamed of his death. In an attempt to avoid this, Frigg asked every creation to not kill Baldur - all agreed except Mistletoe.
The gods then had some fun trying to kill Baldur with all the things that had promised not to kill him - but Loki found out about the Mistletoe, and fashioned an arrow out of it. He gave the arrow to Baldurs brother, who then inadvertently killed him.

If the list included gods from fiction, I would have said Nurgle - simply because he encompasses one aspects that I admire and strive for, and one aspect which I succumb to: Compassion and Despair.
As with all Chaos gods, their nature and appearence is largely due to their worshippers and the minds of those who fear them. But "in reality", Nurgle is both the god of Despair and Decay, and Compassion and Regrowth.
He cares for his worshippers, he takes pity on them, and he is one of the most patient and wise dieties of the chaos gods. After all, he earned the nickname "Grandfather Nurgle" for a reason.

What is your answer to your lifes most important question?

Whoa! You guys are DEEP!!!

I like that.

Hmmm...

How about this:

"While going against the current is good exercise, sometimes you have to let the waves carry you." Or, the opposite is also totally true: "Riding the waves can be fun, but sometimes you gotta swim against the current."

Not everything in life is easy. Don't just follow the masses, even though it could be the easier thing to do, or make you feel included or safe. You gotta stand up, grab life, and kick it in the ass sometimes! But, like, you can't always do that either. You have to know when to turn around and feel out the situation. Let your friends carry you when you're down - stuff like that.

Yup!

It's all about changes, and being ready for whatever!

It totally works for me! And my life's been nothing but AWESOME so far!

A question for you guys:

What's the most DANGEROUS thing you've ever done by yourself?

Glimpsed the Dragon's Coil - or in retrospect, that might have been a delusion from over a month of sleep deprevation and starvation, but never the less, the Mute Monks found it imperitive that I at least took a vow of silence.

They did eventually let me go without demanding I joined them, so either I didn't see anything, I saw something but not enough, or saw something but was for some reason not deemed a "security risk".

If I did see something, that would have to be the most dangerous action I've ever taken part in.
If I didn't, it would have to be what lead up to the vision: being trapped in the Ural mountains with Zmeu hunting me incessently for the better part of 1½ months.

What is your fondest childhood memory?

Fuck. Got a lot of childhood memories, but none of them are remotely pleasant.

Maybe part of a memory could suffice?

My mother didn't have any money and dad wouldn't allow her to buy much "kid" stuff. We also didn't have a computer at home. So mum didn't have many ideas for kid's songs.

But what she did was to take whatever song she liked and make new lyrics in Czech, then sing them for me. Of course her texts were suitable for a child, although most included princesses being rescued, which, in retrospect, was more about her than me.

One day she sang a song to me I can still kinda remember. Not the full lyrics, but I can still remember that it was about a beetle who tried to roll something uphill but it always cameback down. Then one friend came, and another, and in the end they all worked together to get the damn thing on the hill. She sang the whole thing to "Smells like Teen Spirit" from Nirvana. I liked that.

Let's leave the memory here, cause then dad came home and you do not want to hear the rest.

What was the worst thing you ever encountered on the internet?

The jester in me is tempted to say "The internet", but I don't think that would be a sufficiently interesting answer.

It was a video I foolishly clicked on, on a news site - that didn't bother to warn the reader.
The video was of an Argentinian high-ranking official, police official I think, who was being interviewed. During the interview, he was told the police were on their way to arrest him for various financial and drug related crimes.
He then promptly put the barrel of a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger, after which his now hysterically sobbing wife and son came running to his dead body.

Now, I suffered from thanatophobia during my early teens, so the notion of death has weighed heavily on my mind throughout my life - I still occasionally get an adrenalin rush, but fortunately, I no longer get as debilitating panic-attacks and full-body cramps as I did when I was younger.
It wasn't the gore of the imagery that hit me like a jackhammer, it was the realisation that I had just witnessed a person going from existence, to non-existence. Now that is, of course, a natural event in life, but the thing that hit the hardest wasn't that fact alone, it was the speed with which it occured.
I can more easily accept such a transition when I can see it coming, when someone I care for slowly withers, in the end accepting their own fate. I've experienced that as well, while holding the one I cared for in my arms as his brain flooded with blood, blinding him and deafening him, his last sensation in life being my warm embrace cradling him as he passed away.
But when that same transition happens in the blink of an eye - when the person it's happening to never sees it coming, never says goodbye, just dissapears, it resonates with something harboured deep inside of me. A nigh primordial fear that sleeps at the core of my being like one used to imagine the monsters slept under the bed and in the closet.

As with those monsters, if they inch their way closer, let you look at them, greet them, they aren't so scary.
But when they jump out at you suddenly, that's when all your fears, the sum of your dread, is summed up and realised in one instance.

Makes me think of a saying that I quite like:
We all die twice. One time when we stop breathing, and a second time when our name is mentioned for the last time.

Do you believe, or find it an interesting notion, that inanimate objects, such as exotic stones, can hold a generalized meaning, and have an affect on the person holding it? If so, what stone would you say you identified yourself with the most? Or some other thing that has been given a generalized meaning - animals, for example.

It is an interesting notion, yes, although I don't believe in stuff like that. But with many other things stones of course are described by giving them characteristics. I do not think they bestow any powers on their wearers though.

Now I could do the same thing when Eni come up with her "gods" question and start to google, but it'd probably end up with mebeng dissatisfied with all possible answers and not posting, so I'm just gonna say this from the top of my head: I'm probably in the middle between Onyx and Ruby, maybe with a dash of Emerald. Not that I have any idea which characteristics they are supposed to have. meh, I'll just google it after the post.

As for animals, I can get more on board with that. Like totems, as the native americans have. For me, unsurprisingly, I'd have to say cat. It's the animal that speaks to me most, especially because of it's independence, the unwillingness to do as it's told. That it also has grace (when not currently coughing up a hairball) is an added bonus. So yeah, I can identify with that.

Have you ever been arrested? If yes, what for? If not, have you done any actions that should have gotten you arrested, if someone had known?

Never arrest. Run and hide much time from police but mari too much fast and know street and never catch (^^)

Do much bad thing. Steal and beat up and fight and break thing. Also kill person. Much friend know but friend also same. Bad person (^^')

Your most important treasure that have and maybe hurt other if take from or break?

Well, persons don't count in that aspect, I assume? Because I assume you're talking about personal possessions. Otherwise I'd totally have to pick you, dahling, because I don't want you either hurt or taken from me or broken.

As for personal posessions: That would be the cross I wear around my neck. All the rest of my posessions are replaceable, but this cross is the only memento I have from my mother, so I am very careful.

One might think that I shouldn't wear it on missions, because it increases the chance of breaking it, but I really believe in that extra little bit of protection the cross provides, thus I take it with me always.

Now I didn't know mum much and she certainly had her faults, starting with her bad taste in men, but I know that she loved me. So the cross is special to me, and irreplaceable as well ...

Did you have a special connection to some member of your family? Why?

Arigatou, Janna-chan!! (^^)

Special with mother because live together and don't have other. Don't have father and mother parent don't like because happen on accident with american when much young. But mother always love mari much and first study and work and later work two job some time but always find time for together. Nice and happy together (^^)

Before filth and bee and secret, what is dream for life? What want do? Why want?

I might be a bit outside the target group for the question, seeing as our world was never really hidden from me - both my parents were members of it, my brother was killed by it, and my father was lost to it.
As a result, my mother had no real option other than to protect me from the secrets I were fully aware weren't secrets.

Ultimately, my initial dream was to become a member of our world. I always lacked ambition in my other studies, and as a result, my skills never came out to shine - I wouldn't say they were wasted, but I could reach the results I desired and felt no reason to reach farther than that.
I always longed to learn the secrets of our world. The hidden why and hows of it, in part, I think, because they were skills I didn't already have in one form or another.
In my eyes, each subject is reminiscent of the next; once you learn one foreign language, you know how to go about it to learn the next one.
When you learn the ins and outs of math, anything where it is applied is no longer completely fresh knowledge, it's tainted by what you already know.

With the abilities found in our world, there was still "untainted" knowledge to take in, and I longed for it.

Not entirely sure what the fundamental reason for it all is. It is as likely to be for egocentrical reasons as it is altruistical - maybe in time I'll know why wisdom and knowledge was and is so important to me.

But of course, the dream itself changed once I became a member of our world. Seeing as my dream had come true, a new one was born.
But the nature of that dream isn't something I'd feel comfortable revealing - as I feel divulging it would have the same impact on it, as seeing the future would impact the future.

What were you like as a child?

I was a pretty shy as a kid. Meek. Not the most social of kids, I was more happy when I was holed up somewhere alone.

Maybe it was because I never went to kindergarden and basically didn't meet many kids when I was young. My first real contacts to other children were in school, and I was the scrawny little odd kid. Basically had to learn how to properly play with other kids, although it improved somewhat over the next couple of years.

At home I was just trying to stay away from daddy and pulled the blanket over my head when he came home and had another shouting bout with mom, that often ended violently. She would sometimes seek refuge after these, sitting in my room crying. I couldn't understand it then. I didn't know any better.

When my mum killed herself I had to grow self-reliant pretty quickly, because I had to do all the work at home, including shopping and getting my own food, as well as food for my father. Money was pretty tight and never enough, that's why I started shoplifting food items. The next two years taught me to stand up for myself, no matter what.

That's it in a nutshell, I guess.

Do you think the world has a need for it's very own secret world within? Why?

I don't know... I don't really have an answer for that. I haven't seen enough,  don't know enough to make that decision, or even hypothesize about it. I can see how a lot of people couldn't handle the things we deal with everyday - there are a LOT of crazies out there - but if none of it had ever been secret, would we have been able to deal??? Like I said, I have NO idea. The world would be a TOTALLY different place, and maybe only those of us with these powers would be around. And besides, this question is like SUPER old, so I don't even think I really have to answer it. I just wanted to ask my question.

Okay, so my conversation with Santiak got me thinking...

If you could have GOLD BALLS, would you want them? Would you show them off? Or would you want another body part to be made out of gold or another metal? What would you do with it?

Are we actually talking about testicles here? I hope I wouldn't get some.

Let's say in my case it's golden ta-tas. That would make #ToplessTuesday more interesting on twitter. "The girl with the golden tatas!" Hell I doubt I'd wear a shirt after that one. What would I do with it? Really?

It's breasts. Or balls. What CAN you do with it?

As Firestones last question was odd, here's mine: What's your take on drugs?